The Balancing Act: Helping your autistic child or adult thrive while staying true to themselves

As parents of autistic children or adults, we often find ourselves walking a tightrope. On one side, there’s our natural desire to protect and support our loved ones—especially in a world that isn’t always kind to differences. On the other, there’s the deep-rooted belief that our children and adults should have the right to be themselves, regardless of societal expectations. This tension between teaching social skills and allowing our loved ones to express their true autistic selves can be overwhelming. It’s a question that many parents face: How do we navigate this delicate balance?

The parent’s natural Instinct: Protecting and fitting In

It’s part of human nature for parents to want to keep their children safe. Safety isn’t just about physical harm; it’s also about emotional well-being, which can be threatened when individuals are made to feel they don’t “fit in.” We see our children and adults struggling to interact with others in social spaces, and we instinctively want to help them blend in, sometimes at the cost of suppressing parts of who they are.

When our children are young, this might look like encouraging them to make eye contact, share interests, or learn “appropriate social behaviours.” For adults, it may mean prompting them to act in ways that make them less conspicuous or masking traits that cause people to stare. We might push them to conform to neurotypical norms in the hope of easing their way in the world and preventing bullying or exclusion, it’s hard not to.

But the truth is, when we push too hard for conformity, we risk asking them to hide the very qualities that make them unique. I believe there is a tension between the desire to protect them and the need to celebrate their authentic selves.

Parental Fears: Vulnerability and Safety

Vulnerability is a very real concern. Autistic individuals, particularly those who are more visible in their behaviours or social interactions, can be more exposed to potential harm. Parents fear that a child or adult who "stands out" or behaves differently might be taken advantage of, excluded, or, in extreme cases, even get into trouble with authorities. For example, an adult who doesn’t understand personal space or who might blurt out something socially inappropriate could be misunderstood, potentially leading to unwanted confrontations or even interactions with the police.

This is a terrifying thought for any parent. We don’t want our children to be vulnerable to exploitation or misjudged. The fear of them getting into trouble because of social misunderstandings can keep us awake at night. These fears are legitimate and need to be addressed with both compassion and practical solutions.

The Value of Autistic Identity

Every autistic individual is unique, and being autistic is not a “problem” to be fixed—it’s a part of who they are. People who can vocalise and arrange their feelings in order to be able to speak out about the importance of self-acceptance may argue that society’s focus on “normalising” behaviour needs to shift toward accepting and celebrating neurodiversity. I completely agree with this, and after 27 years of advocating for this cause, I believe we are making gradual progress.

As parents, it’s essential to affirm our loved ones’ neurodivergent identity. However, this doesn’t mean ignoring the realities of the world they live in, which can sometimes be unkind or unaccommodating to differences. We need to help our children and adults navigate this world, but without losing sight of who they truly are.

Supporting Parents: Embracing the Fear and Seeking Support

As someone who provides autism training to families, I deeply understand the fears and uncertainties that come with being a parent of an autistic child or adult. I know what it’s like to desperately want your child to have a happy, fulfilling life, to form meaningful friendships, and to be safe in a world that can sometimes feel unwelcoming or harsh.

It’s okay to admit that you’re afraid—afraid for your child’s future, afraid of how society might view them, and afraid of the challenges they might face. These emotions are normal. But it’s also important to remember that you’re not alone in these fears. Seeking support—whether through training, advocacy, or connecting with other parents who share your experiences—can make a world of difference.

Your child deserves to be loved and accepted for who they are, and as a parent, you deserve support in learning how to help them thrive in a world that can sometimes be difficult to navigate. Together, we can create a future where autistic individuals are celebrated for their unique qualities, and parents feel empowered to provide the guidance and love their children need to succeed without being judged for caring.